A physical process…

After maybe 6 months of trying I got my period again today.

I don’t know why this cycle has been especially triggering. Perhaps it is the feeling of spring and the expectation of bloom, maybe that my 27 month old son is into toddler life when I expect my baby boy, or just that I got my app perfectly synced with my cycle and I wondering why it didn’t ‘work’.

All of that telling me to first consider letting go of all of that shit to begin with.

I was called to be physical. Walking with my son. Random pushups in the living room. Cried in the shower and leaned into the irritation and frustration I was feeling.

I was called to be quiet. Reflective. Sad. Nostalgic and melancholy. My husband and my son sleep and I start writing to let go and allow this to pass through me. I remember getting pregnant around this time last year and being surprised. Even though a large part of me was trying so hard, too hard, I couldn’t see that blind spot. Today that lesson of allowing spirit to guide is becoming clearer and I am listening with a different understanding than before. We experienced our loss 10 weeks later. As I sit with these feelings I am moving through with deep curiosity I seem to be finding peace, and dare I say it, joy.

Someone told me recently that I needed to go through something to see, to learn the lesson. She called it a metamorphosis and encouraged me to hold onto a piece of moldavite for the path ahead. Not wanting to say too much to disrupt the understanding I needed to come to for myself.

I tend to avoid going THROUGH. To be quite honest, I’d rather go around, find an easier, shorter, faster…overall less taxing route to take. I call it efficiency. Self-care? Being mindful?

Or am I just scared. Either way, I feel a lesson unfolding.

Sadness turns to curiosity which turns to possibility.

Slowly, slowly, I am rising from this wave that pushed me down.

I found myself outside several times today, feeling the ground, smelling the air, looking up seeing with new eyes. As I journaled the revelations and reasonings began pouring through me and onto paper. My mind is working too fast for my fingers and I realize I’ve stopped writing and started dreaming. I pick up my phone and it is like the story being played in my head transfers to the screen and everything I see is a continuation of the messages I am receiving from spirit.

My feel my intuition rising and calling out to me to listen. I do. It tells me, as I have been told many times before, to trust and believe. Come back to your deepest knowing. Take action from there.

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