I’ve been integrating. The process is never something I particularly welcome – although I am a work in progress with that. One of my life mantras is Trust The Process. It has hit me on the head many times and supported me just as often.
I have been integrating the Imesia I knew: single and free, turned on and tapped in, thinking mainly of herself – her wants, desires and creative needs with the mother I have birthed: resilient and strong, confident and unapologetic. As a whole there is a reminder from my Source about who the fuck I really am. Who the fuck we ALL are.
The integration has felt as noticeable as leaving the house (or inviting people in..) since COVID. Just in the last few months have I felt this sensation of a ‘return’ brewing. Although I can’t really call it a return – because I am no longer the woman I was and I do not often long for her. I am building and becoming a new divine creature. The divinity in me is becoming clearer. I suppose it is also that the appreciation I feel for mySELF growing. Rapidly – day by day. I have always been told I display confidence – but to be honest, it’s mostly a manufactured, planned and rehearsed façade. This air of confidence I am building comes from either a wisdom, love or a ‘I don’t give a fuck…’ energy, I can’t really say yet.
Either way, clear the way. I am feeling myself and enjoying my becoming. A woman who is returning to a room that she thought was closed, only to find out it has been filled with the items of her current and future self. ‘Wild moon woman, you were not made to be tamed.’
Motherhood, for some, carves out this instinctual vein that rewards selflessness and sacrifice – most, if not all of our energy goes into mothering in some form or fashion. You can become martyred in your own motherhood, forgetting your feline, womanly, wolf ways. Suffering in the gap of expectations unmet. Get the fuck over yourself mama, I heard myself say. Who is Imesia now really becoming? I feel her so deeply and intimately – I am her and she is me. All very exciting and frightening at the same time. Leaning into the messages I receive, trusting my knowing, asking myself and hearing my own voice answer.
At times, I admit, this truth is quite far away. Today I have a knowing of perfect, whole and complete. The integration of what motherhood is for me and who I am as a woman is concretizing and forming itself as I witness. Uncomfortable and fascinating times.